Not funny enough for it's own thread

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Re: Not funny enough for it's own thread

Post by stigsyv1 » Fri Oct 03, 2008 11:18 am

These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.

The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud!

She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"
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Re: Not funny enough for it's own thread

Post by gutterhippo » Sat Oct 04, 2008 10:15 pm

PastorofMuppets wrote:9 Things I Hate About Everyone



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their . to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?


4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!


5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?


7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.


8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
hahahaha that was awesome! Is that from anything, or did you make all that up? I need to know who to cite when I rip those off.
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Re: Not funny enough for it's own thread

Post by Yankees135 » Tue Oct 14, 2008 8:50 pm

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Re: Not funny enough for it's own thread

Post by LondonChick62 » Tue Oct 14, 2008 10:28 pm

Cat vs. Printer :lol:


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Re: Not funny enough for it's own thread

Post by Aussie_Wolf » Tue Oct 14, 2008 10:52 pm

LondonChick62 wrote:Cat vs. Printer :lol:


Hahahahaha, I reckon my cat would do just the same
SHHH! Quiet! You might piss somebody off!

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Re: Not funny enough for it's own thread

Post by endless » Thu Oct 16, 2008 9:15 pm

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Re: Not funny enough for it's own thread

Post by LondonChick62 » Fri Oct 17, 2008 5:42 pm

So this bird walks into a store.....


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Re: Not funny enough for it's own thread

Post by endless » Fri Oct 17, 2008 6:58 pm

Trigger Happy TV:




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Re: Not funny enough for it's own thread

Post by LondonChick62 » Mon Oct 20, 2008 7:25 pm

Why did the Chicken cross the road?


BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the

need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road... ZZZZZ

SARAH PALIN: BECAUSE, PRAISE JESUS, I WAS GONNA SHOOT HIS SORRY LIBERAL ASS OFF FOR BLOCKING MY VIEW OF RUSSIA!

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not takin g on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

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Re: Not funny enough for it's own thread

Post by The Fonz » Mon Oct 20, 2008 7:42 pm

^^^

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Not funny enough for it's own thread

Post by Yankees135 » Tue Oct 21, 2008 11:06 pm



And Hornswoggle is in this one.
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Re: Not funny enough for it's own thread

Post by Crow013 » Sat Oct 25, 2008 12:17 pm

I hate people like that guy in the middle
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This thread lost me when Crow said he respects DD's balls.
I'm Batman.

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Re: Not funny enough for it's own thread

Post by LondonChick62 » Sat Oct 25, 2008 12:42 pm

-------Subject: RECTUM STRETCHER
> >>
> >> RECTUM STRETCHER
> >> (if you don't laugh at this one, there is something wrong.)
> >>
> >> While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed
> >> over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying
>
> >> in wait.
> >>
> >> The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
> >> patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'
> >>
> >> To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'
> >>
> >> 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
> >>
> >> I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.
> >>
> >> The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectu m stretcher? And just what
> >> does a rectum stretcher do?'
> >>
> >> 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my
> >> way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.
>
> >> I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly
>
> >> but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'
> >>
> >> 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a**hole? ' he
> >> asked.
> >>
> >> 'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'
> >>
> >> Traffic Ticket - $95.00
> >> Court Costs - $45.00
> >> Look on the Cop's Face.................PRICELESS

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Re: Not funny enough for it's own thread

Post by metallicamaniac » Sat Oct 25, 2008 11:27 pm

Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food and fire area. It was exhausting work and the guys were getting tired just watching.

Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea. They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives working.

That was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television and later to the remote control.




A magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet and instructs the guy to hit him as hard as possible on the head.

The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden block.

The man shrugs his shoulders and takes a mighty swing.

Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in the hospital and goes, "Taa Daa!"





One evening, my husband and I heard sobbing coming from our three-year-old, Billy's, room. We found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind.

Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear.

Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"
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Re: Not funny enough for it's own thread

Post by LondonChick62 » Wed Oct 29, 2008 10:36 am

UPS Airlines

Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one...a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers (marked with an S).

(By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last…

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on
something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

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Re: Not funny enough for it's own thread

Post by LondonChick62 » Fri Nov 07, 2008 10:56 am

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that at was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card. That's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

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Re: Not funny enough for it's own thread

Post by PastorofMuppets » Fri Nov 07, 2008 4:01 pm

The chicken

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping
wife, and
fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You
died in your sleep, Ralph...'

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've
got too much to live for.
Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can
go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a
farm near his home.. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers,
clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh?
How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this
strange feeling inside.
Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.
'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '
'Never,' said Ralph.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster.
'It's no big deal.'
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped
an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid
another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the
back of his
head, and heard his wife yell.....
'Ralph! Wake up. You sh!t the bed!'

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Re: Not funny enough for it's own thread

Post by stigsyv1 » Mon Nov 10, 2008 11:07 am

Warning this contains racism that may offend some viewers.

Gordon brown has made a proposal to the usa if they put our queens head on there stamps we will put there new president back on our jam jars ,
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Re: Not funny enough for it's own thread

Post by PastorofMuppets » Mon Nov 10, 2008 11:13 am

presidents on dollars

$1 Note - George Washington (1st U.S. President)
$2 Note - Thomas Jefferson (3rd U.S. President)
$5 Note - Abraham Lincoln (16th U.S. President)
$20 Note - Andrew Jackson (7th U.S. President)
$50 Note - Ulysses Grant (18th U.S. President)

now with the election of barack obama
we now have a president worthy of being on the food stamps

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Re: Not funny enough for it's own thread

Post by LondonChick62 » Mon Nov 10, 2008 12:55 pm

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:


1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

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